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Thursday, December 30, 2004

Joe Republican:

We've never seen this before. It was a Yahoo message board post we found this evening. We liked it. Here it is:
JOE REPUBLICAN

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards.

With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of Joe's medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. the air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards.

Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so the can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the GreatDepression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

After work this evening, Joe plans to visit his father at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

Joe is happy to see his father, who is now retired and lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.

Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."


19 comments

I love the post! Joe Republican is an idiot wearing blinders whose life would be utterly and ruinously different without the liberal successes he enjoys.

How does one get past the lie of the so-called "self-made" man. That ideal is so deeply ingrained in the psychology that--no matter obvious--it can't be overcome!

By Blogger databoy, at 12/30/2004 11:37 PM  

It's worth noting how, in the real land of the communists, ie China, just how little of this post applies.

By Blogger Maynard Handley, at 12/31/2004 12:27 AM  

Don't forget all the FEMA help Big Brother sent down to the suthrin states after this year's big hurricane season. Why, I'm surprised they would even lower themselves to take it, what with all that outrageous taxation stealing the hard-earned money of honest salt-of-the-earth folk like Jeb Bush.

I feel a Foghorn Leghorn moment coming on.

By Blogger Riggsveda, at 12/31/2004 12:26 PM  

Franko DemocratI suspect that there is an alternate version that is contains:

"He went to work for a small business that was established by an independent business man" and ends with

"Franko agrees: "We don't need those capitalistic pigs polluting our society! After all, I'm a caring individual who believes that we need the government to provide for the social good, just like it has for me."

=========================

P.S. I'm also a liberal, so no need to flame me, I just enjoy trying to see both sides, and wonder if there is a professional version of the "Franko Democrat".

By Blogger Mike Liveright, at 12/31/2004 5:13 PM  

P.S. I'm also a liberal, so no need to flame me, I just enjoy trying to see both sides, and wonder if there is a professional version of the "Franko Democrat".Yeah. You can listen to Rush Limbaugh or any of his numerous imitators if you want to hear "the other side". Christ.

It's irritating as hell to hear dimwits act like this is some amusing spectator sport, or a trivial debate over the merits of chocolate vs. vanilla. What's good about "Joe Republican" is that it's a succinct summary of the many ways that the average American idiot takes for granted all the things that had to be fought for over many decades; all the concessions that had to be wrung out of greedy plutocrats like the ones running the country today. You can bet that plenty of fuckwits like Joe are going to be stunned when things like Social Security are destroyed, and they belatedly realize how stupid they were to fall for Republican propaganda; how stupid they were to think that the radical Right ever had their best interests at heart. Then we'll have to start all over trying to win those things back again.

In the meantime, we'll have douchebags like mike liveright complaining that it's not fair to read things like "Joe Republican" without giving the right wing a fair chance at rebuttal. What a dork.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1/02/2005 2:06 PM  

Joe Democrat wakes up in the morning. He is alive because Republicans are warmongers enough to want to fight terrorism and preserve the freedom and liberty. Unless Joe Democrat was someone that worked in the World Trade Center or was on any of the four flights that were highjacked. Then he would be dead because a certain liberal president before Bush decided it would be OK to throw some missiles at tents and asks the terrorists to please don't attack us again. Then he would be dead.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7/01/2005 11:50 AM  

Ummmm... yeah, kind of like how the Democrates started a civil war because the Republicans wanted to free the slaves...

Or, oh, wait, maybe it's because the Republicans were the first political party to recognize a woman's right to vote...

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9/10/2005 6:57 PM  

Ummmm... yeah, kind of like how the Democrates started a civil war because the Republicans wanted to free the slaves...

Or, oh, wait, maybe it's because the Republicans were the first political party to recognize a woman's right to vote...

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